My mother just emailed me my sister’s satirical English essay (I guess they’re doing Swift right now). I thought it was pretty funny.

Debbie B***

• AP English

Mr. Blair

April 27, 2004

We Have Met the Enemy, and He is Food.

Over half of the American population has cracked the barrier between …

For those of you who wondered what the word “schadenfreude” means…

…this is it.

Ferret Girl is fired.

I had asked her out for the Cubs game this weekend. Well, as it happens, I screwed up and got tickets for Saturday, instead of Sunday, which is the day she’d said she could go.

So I informed her of that, and suggested we go out Saturday night. She agreed and seemed excited at …