Dear Houston Astros,

Please stop laying down and letting yourselves get ass-rocked by the Cardinals. Seriously, not only is it making my life difficult, it’s embarrassing for the five or six people who are still following you guys this season.

Thank you,

Matt Stratton

Shana: [He] might also be horrified to know that there will be no cake, church, officiant, garter, bouquet toss, obedience, God, or jordan almonds
Matt: I hate jordan almonds
Shana: I hate obedience