In the spirit of Festivus (belated), I am inventing a new meme. Here are some anonymous Grievances towards people on my friends list. See if you can match them up!
1 You’re really too cute to be younger than my sister.
2 You were always way too drunk on set. Fuckin’ lush!
3 You’re not allowed to be so grown-up and stuff. You must remain adorable.
4 You moved away and took the tubby bitch with you.
5 All the girls on my friends list think you’re more interesting than me. Fuck you.
6 You’re far too obsessed with anal-related humor.
7 You broke my shower curtain rod three years ago.
8 You have too many cool tattoos.
9 You are WAY too nice for me to deal with. If you weren’t twisted and evil underneath, I would have to hate you.
10 The Yankees SUCK!
11 You’re too hip for us to be related.
12 I never get to see you anymore. I hate you for that.
13 You’re always putting up those hot pictures of yourself. Drives me crazy.
14 You’re so funny on Yehoodi that you make me look bad. Asshole.
15 You don’t live in Chicago yet.
16 You’ve lost more cool cameras than I will ever own.
17 Nobody gets to see you topless anymore.
18 Tall Asians confuse me. Stop confusing me! You’re fucking with my worldview.
19 Your girlfriend never remembers who I am when she’s drunk.
20 Asher likes you better than he likes me. Bitch.
21 The only item in your wardrobe that would have a remote chance of fitting me would be your giant belt buckle.
22 You got engaged to Emil before I could
23 I drank too much coffee at the lesbian coffee shop by your house.
24 You were busy the one time I was in your town, dammit.
25 I haven’t been able to meet your ass in person yet. Literally.
26 It’s been too long since I’ve been able to photograph you in your underwear.
27 Swordfighting is for wimps!
28 Your complete lack of style offends me.
29 I didn’t get to go see a cool movie screening with you because I got sick. I hate that.
30 Your boyfriend’s complete lack of style offends me.
31 You’re getting married.
32 You live way too far away for me to witness you causing T-R-U-B-I-L in person.
33 We’re not neighbors.
34 Atalanta drools over the idea of you dressed like Adam Ant.
35 Your husband is a dorkus malorkus who broke my shower curtain rod three years ago.
36 You’re just way too hot.
37 One day we will no longer be neighbors, and on that day, I will cry for an hour. This is a grievance in advance.
38 Your cat has more IMDb credits than I do
39 You don’t have nearly enough pictures of yourself in a Cubs hat
40 Your ass is way too hot
41 You have a long list of confusing rules on how I should send you emails
42 You’re hot AND geeky. This cannot be allowed.
43 One time, you totally sent me a singing telegram. I was flattered, except the guy who delivered it was the bassist from Night Ranger. Then we ate corn on the cob together with Slash. How much did THAT suck?
44 You have more photographic talent in your nutsack than I do in my whole johnson.
45 See #14 above, except you’re taller.
46 Two words – Yoko Ono
47 I still have never met you, because I’m sure you’re avoiding me. I hate you. Plus, you have a lot of typos on Yehoodi.
48 Your dog bites me and thinks he’s “playing”
49 Your boss hasn’t fined Dusty Baker for incompetence yet.
50 We’ve never made out on Marcelo’s bed.
51 It’s getting harder to feel technologically superior to you, since you’ve gotten good at figuring out things like antivirus, etc.
52 You’re way too nice for me to have a grievance. Damn you and your tall hotness!
53 I haven’t seen you since JET 2, and that’s a shame.
54 You take great pictures and the ladieth love you. That’s just not right.
55 You’re really fabulous, but I never get to see you anymore. That makes you less fabulous.
56 I auditioned for you at the Playground four years ago. You didn’t know me, and I sucked, but you still didn’t cast me.
57 You promised me corn souffle, but didn’t deliver.
58 You won’t admit that you look like Tracey Gold
59 You get your melons confused.
60 When you stayed at my house, you didn’t “accidentally” leave dirty pictures of yourself and your girlfriend behind. Clearly you have no idea what it means to be a houseguest.
61 I hate you because I can’t think of anything clever to hate you about.
62 I just met you for the first time, but you looked way to hipster to be wearing a pink knit hat.
63 You haven’t sent out a “Mile High Club” mailing in way too long.
64 You haven’t allowed yourself to be hit in the face with a pie in at over five years.
65 You never take me to movie premieres.
66 One time, someone got our shaved heads confused.
67 You *still* won’t sleep with me.
68 Your legs are way too long
69 You’re a cooler indie movie maker dude than I am. Plus, you’ve met Weird Al. Bastard.