Why Smokers Are Better People
Reason No. 1: We share with one another. Any time anyone of our smoking brethren might be nicotine-deprived they can always count on a smoking brother / sister to be there for them. You can walk up to anyone, at any time, even that scary-looking fellow with the eyes that randomly twitch and the “Mother” tattoo, and you can give or receive a cigarette. Are you non-smokers like this? Can you just walk up to anyone and ask for something on their personage that might be of some benefit to yourself? Try this with food, and just see how long it takes a cop to slap an aggressive panhandling fine on you. We care about our kind. We take care of each other. Didn’t you learn in kindergarten that you should share things?
Reason No. 2: We are the friendliest. We love everyone. We put aside all prejudices (if we have any, which is doubtful, because we’re so damned nice) and lump ourselves all together as one smoking family. And we even care about you hedonist non-smokers. Anyone, whether you’re of our yellow teeth clan or not, can go up to a person having a cigarette at any time and have a meaningful conversation. Because when we’re having a cigarette, we have nothing better to do at that particular moment.
We’re happy to indulge you in whatever you would like to talk about. This is also why smokers are more informed about politics and sports, as well as all the neatest gossip around the workplace. If you need to know something, ask a smoker. Did we mention we are smarter too?
Reason No. 3: We are better listeners. This relates a little to the last one. We are attentive to whatever you’re saying to us while we’re smoking. Go up to a non-smoker, and they’re probably too cranky to listen because they’re so damned uptight. But us-we care. We care about what you are saying, because you are talking to us at one of the most pleasurable two to five minutes in our life: when we have a cigarette. We’re happy, and because we’re listening (because really, what else do we have to do?), we’re there for you. How many times have you sat and talked to a friend while he / she chain-smoked, and that person was there to help with all your problems? Non-smokers are apt to nod off in mid-sentence or just punch you in the face. Not us.
Reason No. 4: We’re more relaxed. We’re not as stressed as you non-smokers because, hey, we smoke. The relaxed sensation we get from a cigarette (or two, or three or four) makes us more laid-back.
And when we mix coffee and cigarettes, watch out. We’re subdued, yet dangerously aware. Yeah, yeah, there’s that whole cancer thing, but a small carcinogen is a small price to pay for the genuine pleasantness that smokers exude.
Reason No. 5: If you don’t like us, you won’t see us that often anyway. Did you ever get into a conversation with someone that you really don’t like very much, but you have to hang around them anyway? Not a problem with smokers. You can be in a conversation you don’t want to be, and that person will get up and leave for a cigarette in mid-sentence. When the urge hits, they go with it. So if you don’t like a smoker, they’re outside lighting up twice an hour anyway.
Reason No. 6: We die earlier. Yes, smoking is unhealthy. We know it (or did you think we don’t see those Surgeon General’s warnings?). We stopped caring long ago. So all those non-smokers that would like all the smokers to just go away will eventually get their wish. We leave the world for you to do with as you wish, and we do our best to fight overpopulation. We do our part.
Reason No. 7: We are in better physical condition. In the short term, we mean. Smoking can take your appetite away (and when someone else looks at a smoker’s teeth, it can take their appetite away), helping you live a more healthy lifestyle. We might not be able to run very far without wheezing, but it’s easier for us to sustain our thin physique.
Reason No. 8: We remind you of your own mortality. Secondhand smoke is bad, we all know it. We all know quitting smoking now greatly reduces serious risks to your health. So we serve an important purpose. We, by introducing the threat of death, remind you of just how precious life really is – makes you stop and smell the carcinogens, so to speak. With us around, you’ll appreciate the little air you breathe.
Besides, if you add up all the minutes taken off our life because of cigarettes, we’ll die at 73 instead of 75; and what possible meaningful endeavors can we accomplish those last two wretched years of our lives?
Reason No. 9: We’re good for the economy.
Think about it. Without smokers, the states of North Carolina and Virginia would cease to exist without their main export. And can you imagine a flag with 48 stars? Where would Michael Jordan have gone to college? Where would Richmond be? These questions don’t have to be answered, because smokers allow these places to continue their existences. We smoke not because we want to, we smoke to help America.
Reason No. 10: We’re cooler. Enough said.